One of the things we hear most often from people is that they’ve tried everything – and nothing has worked.
And I get that. I’ve been there myself.
Like yourself, I tried all kinds of methods to get myself relief from the constant anxiety, or to fully break away from it.
I’ve tried the common ones like breathing exercises, meditation, but also things like EMDR, supplements and hypnotherapy.
I remember ordering these homeopathic supplements from The States that would supposedly make me feel more calm throughout the day…
Man, they were hard to swallow.
But, the “toughest pill to swallow” may have been the realization I had near the end of my struggle with anxiety, which is:
I wasn’t trying everything. I was trying various avenues to reach the same destination, the same goal. A goal which is never reached this way.
In normal people words: my goal was to get rid of anxiety, and I’d do everything I can to reach that goal. All the things I did – like mentioned before – but also things like diets or cutting down coffee, were an attempt to get rid of the anxiety.
To return to calm.
To be able to go out again and live my life.
To make this unpleasant and scary feeling go away.
And it is exactly that goal that keeps you stuck in anxiety.
Here’s the most important sentence that I want you to stare at until it’s tattooed into the inside of your eyes…
Everything you do to get rid of anxiety keeps it alive.
I know, that’s crazy – isn’t it?
Everything? Yes. Everything.
If you do something (however healthy or accepted) with the intention to make anxiety go away, you’re keeping it alive.
So now ask yourself: everything you’ve tried so far… Did you do that with the intention to make anxiety go away, or did you do it to simply let anxiety exist?
Like what one of our amazing Recovery Mentors, Mirka, asked a newcomer in her live call this week: “Have you ever tried leaving it alone?”.
Because, like her, I hadn’t back then. I realized that “everything” I tried were ways to control anxiety and to make it go away.
The one thing I hadn’t tried was doing nothing. Allowing anxiety to do its thing.
The only thing I hadn’t tried was learning what anxiety is.
The only thing I hadn’t tried was digging in, and taking responsibility – changing my own patterns instead of looking for external “fixes”.
Is that you?
If it is – I hope this makes sense so far conceptually. It’s totally normal to feel skeptical about things like this, but it really helps to be honest with yourself and determine whether or not you have actually tried everything.
Because if the conclusion is that you didn’t – a new door is opening for you.
A new avenue to explore.
You don’t need to be fully convinced (no one is), but once we rip the label “DOESN’T WORK” off something, we can actually dive deeper into it and start breaking free from the stuckness we may be in.
Then we also need to talk a little about disappointment and hope.
I remember feeling so disappointed when the EMDR didn’t do it – or those pills I ordered didn’t actually seem to calm me down – at least not for long.
And sometimes you get to a point of almost becoming “numb” to it. Where you feel like just staying this way, as nothing worked anyways. We sometimes get into a state of what’s known as “Learned Helplessness”.
What is learned helplessness?
It’s a state of mind where you feel so stuck that you stop trying to change your circumstances, even when opportunities to escape become available.
In that state, we often have these three unhelpful beliefs (a.k.a the “Three P’s”):
- Personal. We feel that anxiety is happening to us personally. We’re being punished or something is wrong with us.
We take it personal – instead of seeing it as a pattern that we simply got stuck in because we’re human beings and we experienced a high level of stress. Sometimes in this state we start to feel sorry for ourselves and go into victim mode (I’ve been there!). - Permanent. We see the current situation we are in as permanent. The belief is that it’ll never go away.
But nothing in life is permanent, not even life itself. Whereas I believed anxiety never went away – it did – faster than I ever imagined, once I found the right strategy to do it. - Pervasive. It’s affecting all areas of life. “Anxiety has taken everything from me”, or “My whole life is ruined”, even though in some areas we may still be OK.
We may be healthy, financially OK or have a lovely family. Anxiety is really hard, I know, but if you’re being honest; there is still some good in your life. Sometimes you have to dig to find it, but it’s always there.
Once you see that these three beliefs aren’t actually fully true, you create momentum.
Motion to move forward, to get out of stuckness and make a change.
Anxiety feels personal, and it is something that you feel and experience personally, but you’re not being punished. You’re not broken. You’re simply behaving in a way that keeps anxiety alive because that’s the most natural thing to do. Your nervous system is working as intended.
You’re not broken!
By the way, if you want to learn more about how you keep anxiety alive, check out this video in which I use the Stress Bucket analogy to explain how anxiety started and how you keep it alive unknowingly.
Anxiety isn’t permanent, either. If you’re reading this, it’s for a reason. Something is starting to shift. Something is clicking, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.
There may still be some limiting beliefs holding you back, but I’m hoping you’re starting to see that maybe you haven’t tried everything yet, and life doesn’t have to stay this way.
It won’t, either way, because nothing in life is permanent.
And however bad anxiety is for you, there is still good in life. Just for a second, think of all the things in life that you can appreciate. Your health, family, house, pet, etc.
What’s wrong is always available. So is what’s good.
And in order to start your recovery journey, you’ve got to get to a point where you decide to try it anyway, despite the chance of disappointment or getting your hopes up.
If I think back now – and if I had stayed with the conviction of “I’ve tried everything and I don’t want to be disappointed again” – I would have still been there…
So remember those three beliefs of Learned Helplessness – and keep on exploring. Don’t close your eyes to the possibility of recovering, simply because you’ve tried a lot of things that all were just one thing: resistance.
When you truly stop the resistance to anxiety, you remove the fuel it needs to stay alive, and it will dissipate naturally.
In the words of an amazing writer and ex-anxiety sufferer who I found in the corners of the internet, Chris:
“I’ve tried everything and nothing works“.
Ultimately I was right, ironically “nothing” was the only thing I hadn’t tried.
There is no cure because there is no illness, there never has been, there never will be.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. If you like to learn more about how anxiety recovery works in story format, check out our “Alcatraz Video” that Chris wrote too, which many people LOVED. Watch here.
